Imagine you made a new friend. You hang out sometimes and he's ok. After a while of knowing him, he tells you that you are his only friend. More than that: You're the only person important to him in his life right now, other than his parents.

How would this make you feel, and what effect what it have on how you thought of him.

Also including in your answer whether or not you have a lot of friends.

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If a friend were to say something to that effect to me then I'd take it as a compliment yet keep my distance from there on in. People like that in my expirence attempt to get way too close.

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i would probably try to widen their horizons. take them cross country and teach them how to be an extrovert or some trash like that.

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It depends. If you're really that person's only friend and you're the type of person who is bothered by it, then stay away. Are you sure that you really are that person's only friend, though? People often say things they don't mean.

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I'm pretty much that person, so id like to think if someone said this to me (i have no friends) then i would be okay with it. I'd also like to think that other people would do the same thing. But seriously if said person tried to teach me how to be an extrovert me and him/her would very abruptly stop talking. That's down right ignorant.

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A whole bunch of colleagues doesn't matter, because I talk to them rarely and mostly about work/school. I haven't talked to any of my "internet buddies" for over two years now. I avoid strangers and I am afraid of them. I'm an internet stalker.

I have only two true friends at the moment, one of them is my partner and the other one is our mutual friend. Both friendships have over 3 years now and they started in high school.

I'd be delighted to meet someone and become their friend because often I feel alone too (seeing my significant other once a week feels like a long distance relationship) and I need to talk/listen/spend time with somebody with common interests/dilemmas. (Usually I just "hang out" with textbooks, games or anonymous internet boards, so you could say I "have no life". And I cannot disagree. Pessimist, shy, self-conscious, socially inept, etc. describe me well.)

The only thing I'd be afraid is stepping over the line between friendship and love. I did it once, but I'm not polyamorous, so I guess it wouldn't work again. (In my opinion cheating is a great way to make one person happy and two other miserable.)

However, it would be wonderful to introduce another person to my close circle of friends (assuming me/my friends and my newest friend would share some interests/problems and lifestyle). Or keep him/her for myself (as a life boat, but that would be just cruel), but without any romance/unresolved sexual tension hanging in the air between us.

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I had a friend like that. He was very lonely, and a bit overweight (it made him insecure). We shared some interests and bit by bit I introduced him to my group of friends. He is now a regular. Point is unless both of you are socially crippled the lonelier one will eventually make new friends through you. I for one have gained a friend for life through this. His loyalty to me is limitless, and vice versa.

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@67,926

> Are you sure that you really are that person's only friend, though? People often say things they don't mean.

This hypothetical situation has never happened to me.

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This explains my situation almost perfectly. There's this new guy at work who seemed like an okay person. Had fun while working, interesting conversations.

Then one day he suggested I come to his house. Thought not much of it so I did. His house was pretty much empty of everything but a couch, a few lights and a TV and Xbox 360.
He told me he moves around a lot, and that he graduated highschool early and is in Vet school (meaning he doesn't have much interaction with kids, or was probably able to keep his friends). So we hung out, it was a bit awkward from not being in work, but okay.

The next day he calls me to see if I want to hang out. And does so almost every other day after. It's plainly obvious that I'm his only friend. He even called me up to tell me his sister (who was in the hospital, but didn't know until now) was okay. I only knew him for about 2 weeks and he just thinks I'm his best friend and he's mine.

I've just been telling him I can't see him. I have other friends too.
Normally this wouldn't even be too much of a problem, but he's also a humongous liar, and very immature. The type of person I can't stand.

MORAL:If someone tells you you're their only friend, it puts pressure on you. Unless it's obvious that you guys are great friends, then it really won't work.

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@67,954

Again, I'm pretty skeptical. It's quite likely that this individual has other friends, though perhaps not as many as you do. As for what you should think and do, that's entirely up to you. From the way you phrase things, it's already obvious that this individual does not possess sufficient value to you. If you don't want to be friends with that individual, that's your decision. Don't feel that you have some sort of responsibility towards him or her. It'll likely hurt the individual you mention, but then again, that's the way life is.

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I had a friend like that, actually. His name is Andrew, and we went to school together.

He never really made an effort to fit in at school, always hanging around by himself even though numerous people in the more popular crowds were forever trying to talk to him. He'd get invited out to go clubbing with them, or to go to parties, but he'd always refuse politely.

He was never picked on - like I said, the more popular kids seemed desperate to try and draw him into their crowd. I guess he just preferred his own company.

Then one day, he sat down beside me in the school library and started talking. I don't know why he picked me, and I don't think I ever will know. He just sat down and began a conversation.

A few months ago, we went to a pub together, along with a couple of mutual acquaintances. He took me to one side and said that I'd been his only friend throughout upper school, and that he was glad that he'd met me.

That has been one of the single defining moments of my life. To this very day, I'm still deeply moved by his words.

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@67,964

> This explains my situation almost perfectly.

> The next day he calls me to see if I want to hang out. And does so almost every other day after. It's plainly obvious that I'm his only friend. He even called me up to tell me his sister (who was in the hospital, but didn't know until now) was okay. I only knew him for about 2 weeks and he just thinks I'm his best friend and he's mine.

> Normally this wouldn't even be too much of a problem, but he's also a humongous liar, and very immature. The type of person I can't stand.

It's not very close to your situation at all. The situation I'm asking about has nothing to do with the friend smothering you. It's not "plainly obvious" that you're my guy's only friend in my scenario, and I didn't say the type of person from my scenario would be a type of person you can't stand. So, how would you feel if he backed off a bit and was a reasonable person to be with?

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@67,988

Maybe he has problems making friends. If he has social or general anxiety problems that would explain why he didn't want to come out with many people even under their encouragement.

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This has happened to me multiple times actually. I do in fact have a lot of friends, or at least a lot of people I consider friends. My usual M.O. is to begin sharing friends. Most people I know don't have any sort of clique mentality and have no problem making new friends. We look for mutual interest amongst groups of people and use them as bonding experiences. Of course there are some times when this doesn't work because the person doesn't get along with a lot of people and doesn't want to change; they don't consider themselves to be a work in progress but an end result that is the only person they want to be. People like that often end up withdrawing from all friendship eventually thanks to the un-acknowledge superiority complex they have.

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@67,998

If he backed off a bit, I would feel fine. It's just his persistence with wanting to see me. I could get past the lying part if I only saw him at work or occasionally outside of work. He's called me twice again today.

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@68,147

Great! Another instance of popular people taking it out on the unpopular folk (not that that doesn't happen enough in real life…). I agree that there is some ego involved in people who aren't as outgoing. Having said that, I think you should also realize that some feel that they are almost always labeled, pigeonholed, mocked, ridiculed, shunned, etc., no matter how much they try or care to be different. Some people, for some reason, tend to take enormous pleasure in excluding others, devaluing them, and generally speaking, expressing their negative opinions of these individuals at any opportunity they get (the least mature of these individuals will do it right to the person's face or even if the person is nearby and can hear everything they're saying).

Now, am I playing the sympathetic victim card here? Am I saying that the people who withdraw are "misunderstood," and that the whole world is to blame for their misery and problems? No, not really. You can't blame the entire world for problems when you have courses of action available to you. However, you also can't claim that the view of the majority of people is sacred truth. Conformity to the masses and groupthink are very powerful forces that unfortunately lead people to make judgments or take actions that may be irrational or hurtful. If everybody says that a certain person is a certain way, that doesn't mean that it is actually so. People often distort or exaggerate stories for their personal advantage (not that the people who blindly believe what they've heard are any better human beings). There is almost always some kernel of plausibility (not necessarily truth) in the "us" vs. "them" mentality that some people hold. After numerous attempts at going out and changing, some people feel that no matter what they do, they will be looked at by others in a certain, immutable way, and for those who've experienced it, that can be incredibly frustrating and enraging. Keep in mind that this sort of situation engenders the same rage that led to the school shootings of Columbine, etc. Besides violence to others, it often leads to depression and suicide.

My personal opinion is that individuals being in this sort of situation is caused by a combination of the person's own personality, issues, etc. and the social environment he or she finds him or herself in. The issue is not who's right or wrong (person or the people around him or her). Rather, it's an objective fact (irrespective of who's right or wrong) that if people with a certain personality who behave a certain way, are exposed to certain people around them, they will withdraw (often with negative consequences).

Is this withdrawal always rational? Not necessarily. People who are labeled have those labels reinforced when they don't go outside and don't try to define themselves (this often leads to the assholes and bitches of the world defining the individuals for them). Thus, you have a reinforcing cycle. People start off as not going outside much, they're labeled, making them not want to go outside more, leading to them being labeled more, etc. (Keep in mind that this cycle can also start with someone being labeled, a person being reactive and not wanting to go outside, that individual being labeled some more, etc.)

Breaking out of this cycle can be exceptionally difficult in the beginning. If you're crawling out of your shell after a significant period of time, you're going to have to deal with the hardened labels that people have already fastened to you. In many ways, you have to desperately search for some people who aren't going to shun or disparage you and who will treat you like a normal human being. Old friends in this situation can and often are extremely helpful (it can be extremely frustrating to individuals, however, when said old friends give credence to the very labels and views that brought the individuals immense grief, anger, and anguish in the past).

As stated by others, suspending ego, not over thinking things, and simply not caring can be very helpful in situations like this. Doing this can be difficult in its own right, however, since the "us" vs. "them" mentality is often used as a defensive shield against the labels that these individuals find so hurtful. Suspending this mentality, like lowering a defensive shield, leads to some initial period of vulnerability. At this point, the person has to be tough enough to keep the shield down and take whatever comes his or her way. After enough time (and if the person doesn't relapse into depressive or suicidal thoughts), he or she will eventually realize that things aren't that bad and that they can deal with the taps, punches, and feints that life doles out.

The individual starts leaving the shell more and more, and after some time, voila! A new person is born.

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