You know, sometimes it’s difficult to tell friends that you have issues with them. It’s not so much that you dislike or hate them. It’s more that you have some issues that really bother you, and you don’t want to tell the person face to face because it might hurt his feelings, hence your not wanting to see him. Do you guys know what I mean? It’s pretty easy to tell a friend something if it’s something dramatic. If you’re gay, then in my opinion, it’s not that hard to tell someone, especially if that friend himself has a questionable sexuality. But what happens if that’s not an issue at all? You’re 100% straight and aren’t really bothered by your friend’s sexuality. You’ve had some gay friends in your life, you’ve seen the pain they went through for being different and made fun of, and you’re not really a mean bigot who’s going to make them feel bad for something they can’t control. Besides, that stuff is irrelevant. (So irrelevant to you in fact, that your friend continues to think that you’re like him!) Well, you might ask, then, what else could it be? Could it be that he’s a successful guy, who’s got a girlfriend, good job, etc.? No, then again, that stuff wouldn’t really bother you. You see, friends are people who’s success you admire, congratulate, and cherish. Their success in some ways becomes yours and that of his other friends. If a friend does well, you cheer him on. No issues there at all. So, then, you might ask, what could your issues be? Attraction and jealousy are out of the way. What more could exist between two individuals? Well, you might say, the issue is much simpler. So simple, in fact, that it’s often difficult to even express. Suppose you buy a share of stock. You buy it at $80 and hope that the price goes higher so that you can sell it off and make a profit. You want your return on investment to be pretty much at least what you put in. Now, friendship is like that in some sense. It’s not as selfish as a financial investment is (you don’t want to use somebody and get out more than what you put in). In fact, you generally expect to get out what you put in. Now, sometimes you feel as if you’re putting in a little more. You tell your friend much more about your life then he ever tells you (he’s much more private about his doings, etc.) You feel that you’ve helped out your friend in certain situations that he probably wouldn’t help you out in. Things that he gets mad at you for doing, he does a lot himself. It’s not that he’s a bad guy. It’s just that you think he doesn’t or wouldn't care. Perhaps he’s a bit selfish. Not that that’s necessarily bad. We’re all selfish people at times. But when it comes to this particular friend, you feel that you’ve been good friends for a number of years and you realize that maybe he isn’t as good a friend as you thought. You aren’t getting what you put in and realize that you may have been foolish to think that you’re “close” at all. It’s not so much that you hate or dislike him, you’re just letting the value of the friendship adjust itself to the market value in your mind. Now, there are a few possibilities here. One could be your own fault. Maybe your expectations are a bit too high. Just as people had ridiculously high expectations of a lot of stocks in the 90s, maybe your expectations of this friendship were a little too high. Perhaps it’s your fault for thinking it “closer” than it was, or perhaps your expectation of what closeness meant is a little to much like what it meant to your dad, who immigrated from the Hunan province of China. Perhaps it’s your friend’s fault, for not putting in as much as you have. If he hadn’t been so selfish, then the market value of the friendship in your mind would be justified and wouldn’t have to fall. Or, perhaps it’s both your and his fault. Each thinks the other is not reciprocating and you just happen to be one side of the coin. Now, you’re not a perfect person. Many of the things you’ve listed are things that you likely have been guilty of in the past with your other friends, relationships, etc., and you wish you could take back and change what you did in the past now that you’re a more mature person. But with this particular friend, it’s a bit hard to say. Perhaps there is some mutual unhappiness, distrust, or what have you. You’re not a perfect person and probably weren't a perfect friend. Perhaps you yourself are guilty of some of the same issues you bring up. But the more you think, the more likely you feel that it’s either your expectations or his actions. So at this point, what should you do? Should you pare expectations, get the friend to up his end, or end the friendship altogether? Such are the difficult choices we are sometimes forced to make.

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Holy shit, learn how to use paragraphs.

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Wall of text scares me, read the rules, and use fucking paragraphs.

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Look, dumbass, if you don't want to read it, then don't read it. If you do, however, cut and paste in your own document and make as many paragraphs as you damn well want.

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> market value of the friendship
I don't know why, but this sounds so terribly wrong.

Anyway, Anon, since you aren't accepting behavior/character of your friend, that means only one thing - you are no longer perceving that person as your friend. When I started being annoyed by the things my friend did/said, I knew something was wrong with our relationship. It turned out I've never perceived her as my friend, only as my colleague. I've never shared my stories or secrets simply because I didn't trust her. It wasn't a matter of being shy or embarassed, because I could, and still can, tell these things to my real friends whom I trust with my life.

Thus, you should ask yourself if that person is really your friend (then you shouldn't even see things that bother you, so that's clearly not the case) or is he only a colleague/buddy.

Don't forget that nowadays people tend to use term "friend" very lightly and your definition might differ from others'.

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@67,953

If you read the entire thing, you'll understand that "market value" is a metaphor not meant to be taken literally. Also, what you say about definition of "friend" is something I do consider (which you'll see if you read the entire thing). I personally do not feel that "friendship" is all or nothing (instead, I think there are varying levels-perhaps my mistake was a misperception of level, etc.)

As to whether I already perceive this person as a colleague, I think that you are a bit mistaken. The implicit point was that this is an individual whose character is such that I have perceived him to be a friend and continue to want to perceive as a friend (if I already perceived him as a colleague, then there would be no dilemma here at all). He is someone who I have certain issues with that I feel can be resolved without dramatically altering either of our characters. If your view of a person is all or nothing, take it or leave it, then perhaps I am perceiving us as merely colleagues.

However, in the long run of life, we do tend to make certain accomodations for each other, perhaps even small changes of personality or character, that enable us to maintain relationships with the people we hang around and care for. If such changes can be made without too much hassle in the normal everyday interactions of millions of people over the course of thousands of years, then I imagine it shouldn't be too much of a problem in this case as well (unless, as you suggest, it's all or nothing).

Some of this may not have come out clearly enough (possibly due to my lack of paragraphs).

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