Topic: I want to stop my fantasies - I want to be "normal"

Anonymous A started this topic 9 months (2009-07-04 01:18:?? UTC) ago (#28,848):

Hi,

I came to this website when I typed prutales into scroogle. Saw someone talking about it being down here. And then I started reading this forum.

I was dumb, I kept reading every topic, and a lot of the pedo topics interest me because I'll admit it, I have fantasies about being a little girl, and being fucked with big dicks. I used to watch cp just so I could pretend I was that little girl. And, I never was as bothered as I should be when I could tell they were being raped (crying, saying no). To me, I felt I wasn't doing anything wrong, because I was that little girl.

I clicked on some topic, someone was asking for porn sites, and I'm always curious and want to see new things. I saw a lot of flesh in the thumbnails, and when one of the pictures in my mind registered "CP" my heart nearly exploded, I closed the browser, and thought I'd just fucked myself over. I didn't click on it, but still, my ISP has a record of me going to that site.

Last year the police didn't like what they found on one of my computers, they destroyed my hard drive. Since that time I've thought a lot about what I've done.

But I still have the fantasies.

I still want to be a submissive little girl.

I still want to be fucked and spanked by older guys (or girls even)

And, if I saw it happening to a child, it'd hurt me, it'd make me feel really bad, but at the same time it'd turn me on, which makes me feel so low.

I expect about half of you here will try and tell me that my perversion is ok and fine as a fantasy, but that's the thing, I don't want it. There's plenty of other things I enjoy sexually that are perfectly legal, but I still get these fantasies.

I've tried praying for it to go away, but from what I know about God now, God doesn't mess with free will.

What the fuck can I do? It's not something I can switch off, so for those of you who say "snap out of it", go fuck yourself on a rusty railing. If I could "just snap out of it." I would have "just snapped out of it" years ago, not downloaded any cp in the first place, not have to deal with the police, and whilst my life would have been far from perfect, it wouldn't be in the horrid mess it is now.

I don't need my fantasy anymore. I just want it to be something in my past, something I can put behind me.

Anonymous B joined in and replied with this 9 months (2009-07-04 02:05:?? UTC) ago, 47 minutes later (#172,625):

1. There is no such thing as normal. Trying to hide from your fantasies will only make your urges bigger.

3. Learn how computers work, simply going to CP sites won't get you caught, especially if you know how to delete your tracks (there are ways to do it, newbies lie to you)

3. Learn there is no God to help you.

Anonymous C joined in and replied with this 9 months (2009-07-04 02:12:?? UTC) ago, 8 minutes later, 55 minutes past creation (#172,628):

I suggest you go to a psychologist. Most AnTs will say that psychology is pseudoscience, but they really can help you. I used to have serious urges to murder people (I actually left the house with a loaded handgun once, planning on shooting my manager), and after seeing a doctor, they've all but gone. Simply indulging in your fantasies or supressing them won't help. You can probably find a counseling center near where you live, most of them are incredibly cheap (mine only cost me $40/m), and they'll help you get over your problems.

Also, feel free to tell them all about your urges. Doctor-patient privilege and all. As long as you haven't downloaded large amounts of CP or committed any sexual offenses, they can't do anything to you.

Anonymous D joined in and replied with this 9 months (2009-07-04 03:05:?? UTC) ago, 52 minutes later, 2 hours past creation (#172,643):

@previous

> Doctor-patient privilege and all.

Riiight. Except when it comes to "pedophilia". Then the "doctor" contacts the authorities. I've seen it happen, to a minor no less, right here in the US of A.

A mother one time went to seek a "psychologist"'s advice about her son playing doctor with her daughters. That very night at 3 A.M. the cops showed up and dragged her 13-year-old son away in shackles over the cries of the whole family begging to not take him away.

Fuck "psychologists".

Anonymous C replied with this 9 months (2009-07-04 03:14:?? UTC) ago, 10 minutes later, 2 hours past creation (#172,648):

@previous

In that case, he really did commit an offense. I'm not suggesting that he should have been dragged away as he was, but that's a far cry from what OP was talking about. It would appear that the OP has already been busted once, so at worst he'll come under some investigation. As long as he hasn't downloaded any more CP since then, he will be fine. They can't get him unless he actually violates the law.

Saying "fuck psychologists" because one wronged someone you know is like saying "fuck doctors" because someone you know died during surgery or saying "fuck mechanics" because one messed up while fixing your car. Writing off an entire very legitimate field of science because of one infraction is the worst sort of close-mindedness.

Anonymous E joined in and replied with this 9 months (2009-07-04 04:42:?? UTC) ago, 1 hour later, 3 hours past creation (#172,682):

I happen to be a male switch - I have no problems with a slave girl who wants to call me daddy.

On this note, there is nothing wrong with wanting to be who you are. CP isn't my thing, but I'll gladly treat you like a little girl and give it to you rough. So yes, for you I do recommend finding a Master who can satisfy your needs.

Anonymous F joined in and replied with this 9 months (2009-07-04 04:52:?? UTC) ago, 10 minutes later, 4 hours past creation (#172,692):

Stop thinking of it as a big deal. The bigger you make it in your mind, the harder it will be to get rid of. It's just a sex fantasy; everyone has them.

On the other hand, you could also just accept it as a fetish. Maybe you just like taking it hard from big dicks. That doesn't sound weird to me.

Anonymous G joined in and replied with this 9 months (2009-07-04 05:54:?? UTC) ago, 1 hour later, 5 hours past creation (#172,740):

(Citing a non-existent or external reply.)

> true,true, and true
>
> I've read about people's rigs, using electromagnetism to fry their harddrives in a matter of seconds. Thank god for hentai, it keeps Americans (legally) away from the illegal shit called child porn

Actually, Due to a recent supreme court decision, it is now considered illegal. I was not happy since that allows intrusion to all forms of art, possibly including one of my favorite films, Blue Lagoon or the Butterfly Effect.

Anonymous G double-posted this 9 months (2009-07-04 05:57:?? UTC) ago, 3 minutes later, 5 hours past creation (#172,741):

@172,643

> > Doctor-patient privilege and all.
>
> Riiight. Except when it comes to "pedophilia". Then the "doctor" contacts the authorities. I've seen it happen, to a minor no less, right here in the US of A.
>
> A mother one time went to seek a "psychologist"'s advice about her son playing doctor with her daughters. That very night at 3 A.M. the cops showed up and dragged her 13-year-old son away in shackles over the cries of the whole family begging to not take him away.
>
> Fuck "psychologists".

I have a fear of unethical psychologists - There are diverse issues I feel would not ever get resolved because I could've ended up with arseheaded psychologist you mentioned…

Anonymous H joined in and replied with this 9 months (2009-07-04 13:00:?? UTC) ago, 7 hours later, 12 hours past creation (#172,932):

Thanks for all your replies guys.

1: I did have a Master who I used to call Daddy. We'd play online, and he'd treat me like a baby. So as well as spanking, there'd be diapers, and scatplay (which I know, 99% of people hate. I'm not as bothered by this as my other big turnon). He used to share me teen baby videos, and I liked them a lot. I searched for them myself, instead I got a video of some toddler being played with during a diaper change.

I was really shocked when I saw it. I deleted it straight away, but it was too late. After I saw that, it wasn't even "oh that was hot, I wish I was that girl." it was more curiosity. I wanted to see it, and I dunno if any of you have this, but when I'm curious about something, it's an urge that never goes away.

The thing is, what am I supposed to do? I can hardly justify looking at cp and saying "Oh hey look, this urge won't ever go away, so why fight it?" and I do read stories about it.

I guess my kink is more about being as vulnerable as a little girl, giving up complete control. After all, what's more vulnerable than a child?

2: I can just wipe my entire hard drive, or do a three pass on all free space. It was in private browsing mode so firefox tells me it won't record my history of what I go to in it. But, that's not the point. The damage was done. I have been making a conscious effort never to look at cp again, and when I saw it, I failed myself.

3: This'll piss off a lot of atheists, but I know for a fact there's a god. I could spend time arguing it, and as I doubt there's a private message service here, I'll answer in public, but I don't want to get into theological debate, very often it turns out ugly.

Psychologists and Psychiatrists have never helped me as much as talking to friends. Friends won't push drugs on me. Psychiatrists wouldn't take say, mushrooms or cactus with me, and share the same experiences as I talk through my problems in an objective, non guarded manner. They are very useful for writing psychological reports to the court saying how fucked up I am, and how prison is totally not the place to send a basket case like me, but I wish they'd be less clinical sometimes, and realise that the solution to all of lifes woes isi'nt a little pill called prozac.

I talked with a friend I have confided my problems with her. She knows me better than nearly anyone else, and she told me my kink isin't that I want to be a little girl, it's that I want to be as vulnerable as one. Which is weird, I don't like being vulnerable, but when you love someone, you can be vulnerable to them.

Btw, thanks for listening to me. There's two guys who confided in me they were pedos, and they loved me so much. I don't approve of rape of any kind, and I'm not the one to argue if a child can consent to something or not, that's not what this is about. Just, I could talk to them about this subject, but they are gone now. It's only now I found this place, and I trust in the FAQ that this place is anonymous, so I feel safe enough in laying out all of this out.

Anonymous D replied with this 9 months (2009-07-04 13:12:?? UTC) ago, 12 minutes later, 12 hours past creation (#172,935):

@172,741

I think that's a very healthy fear in the USA. Here "unethical" is redundant in "unethical psychologist". Psychologists, psychiatrists, doctors are all "mandated reporters" meaning that if they have a mere suspicion of "abuse" (implicitely meaning sexual abuse because they don't give a shit about violent abuse) they have to report it or be charged with a misdemeanor crime. I guess when the fascist American government (yeah, it already is that bad) came to the psychologists and ordered them to sign up for mandated snitching, none of them objected. That's why I said earlier:

Fuck "psychologists".

Anonymous I joined in and replied with this 9 months (2009-07-04 17:25:?? UTC) ago, 4 hours later, 16 hours past creation (#173,035):

AnonTalk BBS

Topic: I want to stop my fantasies - I want to be "normal"